


Countdown to the New Year

by Stariceling



Series: New Years [1]
Category: Yoroiden Samurai Troopers | Ronin Warriors
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-01
Updated: 2004-01-01
Packaged: 2017-12-05 10:19:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stariceling/pseuds/Stariceling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leading up to the new year Seiji and Shin discover their feelings for one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After a few days of snow everything that could be seen was dusted white, and the silence stretched on into the distance. Inside of the Koji household, however, cabin fever had taken hold. No matter how much Seiji cared for his four best friends they were now driving him entirely crazy. Video games, arguments and exercise had all become excuses to make an insane amount of noise.

At least he assumed exercise was the motivation of whomever had been running up and down the stairs at full speed all morning. Seiji was fed up. When things around the house got a little too hectic he found it was better to get outside for a while, he didn’t care how cold it was, he needed some peace and quiet. Maybe by the time he got back the others would have calmed down.

“He ate me again!” Touma had introduced Ryo to one of his favorite video games, and now they were both hooked.

“Don’t worry, it’ll spit you back out in the next turn.”

Seiji was glad he had not been tricked into trying that game. He retreated to the door. A nice long walk in the snow, and maybe he could talk Shin into making hot chocolate afterwards.

He had to dig through the old crate that housed the assortment of mateless gloves and knotted scarves to find his coat. The bar in the closet had given out under the weight of all of their winter coats, and for all of their restless energy no one seemed to feel like trying to get a new one up at the moment.

Turning to go outside, he ran right into Shin, who was just coming in. His cheeks were red and his eyes shining from the cold. A few snowflakes clung in his hair. He practically glowed with joy in spite of having been run into.

“Sorry.” Seiji stepped out of Shin’s way quickly. He had never quite decided on how he was supposed to feel when he saw the other boy smiling at him.

“Are you going out again?” Seiji nodded, a strange feeling invading his stomach at the downcast look on Shin’s face. He shrugged his coat on, trying not to look.

“Wait,” Shin pulled a pair of gloves out of his coat pocket, “take these.” He offered them to Seiji, a bit embarrassed. Seiji reached out automatically to accept them.

“Thank you,” Seiji wanted to say more, but Shin cut him off by standing quickly on tiptoe and giving him a peck on the cheek. Seiji froze, stunned, and could only stare at Shin’s back as he dashed inside.

Moving automatically, Seiji left the house to wander in snow-dusted solitude. The cold air bit at his cheeks and neck, and made him grateful for Shin’s gloves.

Why had Shin gone and kissed him? The thought of being kissed made him feel uneasy, yet at the same time there was a warm glow in his stomach from it. He had barely felt it when it happened, so why was it affecting him so strongly after the fact?

Seiji looked around himself, appreciating the quiet world that lay under its snowy blanket. The skeleton arms of the nearest trees might have given other people feelings of dread, or assured them that the trees must be dead, but Seiji was almost sure he could feel them sleeping, waiting for spring. It was calming to him to be out among them.

Silence usually helped him relax and think, but right now he couldn’t get his thoughts off of Shin. Shin had always helped to look after all of them. He must be a little more affectionate than Seiji had thought. Seiji wrapped his arms around himself, thinking fondly of the gloves. Shin was very caring, but it couldn’t be more than that.

So why did it depress him to think that Shin would have acted like that toward any of them? Seiji was beginning to realize that he wanted to have Shin think of him differently, to be held specially in Shin’s mind.

The woods offered him no answer. Except for the occasional muffled impact of a pine branch dropping a load of snow, all was silent. The chill air was a little too clear, too still. Seiji’s thoughts spun around each other until they became hopelessly entangled.

He felt warm inside seeing Shin’s smile, felt eased by the way Shin would touch his hand when he was concerned, so lightly he could never be quite sure that it had happened at all. All the things which he had decided not to think about suddenly could not be ignored. He was beginning to think that he needed to speak to Shin, to be certain of how Shin felt. It was a guilty longing. He wanted to be important to Shin, only him.

Just the two of them.

All of a sudden he found himself wishing desperately to be home. This snow-covered world seemed too empty and wide for him on top of all of his other thoughts. He wanted to be back in the midst of petty problems and noisy, well-meaning friends. He wanted to get back to where Shin was.

Seiji turned back towards the house. Shin would be waiting for him there, he was sure of it.

He had not managed to get very far before turning around, so he was back home in almost no time. He left his coat and shoes at the door to dry and hurried off in search of Shin. The house was silent now and seemingly deserted. Seiji looked around himself with a touch of impatience. Where was everyone?

A note on the table caught his eye, and he recognized Ryo’s quick, messy handwriting. Shopping for New Years? How could they leave at a time like this? Shin had deserted him right when he needed him.

“Seiji?” the soft query shook Seiji out of his frustrated contemplation of the note. He turned to see Shin giving him an uncertain smile.

“Shin, I wanted to-” Seiji’s hopes raised and were immediately crushed again. Shin was here with him, but now he realized he had no idea what to say or how to go about saying it, “return these,” he fabricated quickly, pulling off the gloves and holding them out to Shin. “And thank you.”

“They’re yours,” Shin returned quickly, “they were going to be a New Years present. You always come back with your hands all red from the cold.” Shin suddenly looked embarrassed, as if he had said too much. “It’s fine, though, I’ll get you something else.”

“Then I want to thank you.” Seiji took a quick step forward, catching Shin by the chin. He paused, then kissed Shin on the cheek.

“Seiji.” There was something about the look on Shin’s face that made Seiji wonder what he was doing. His expression was elated, and Seiji was sure he could feel the joy and tension radiating from him.

“I want to know what you think of me.” Seiji put his hands on Shin’s shoulders, holding him firmly. Something in the back of his mind was warning him that this was not the way to go about finding his answers, but he had to press on regardless. “Why did you kiss me before? I have to know.”

Shin dew back from him. “That’s a very selfish way to ask.”

“Please just tell me.”

“Why is it important?” Shin had lost his elated look. Seiji tightened his grip reflexively. He was losing Shin.

“I need to know.” Seiji failed to keep the demanding tone out of his voice. Shin tried to pull away, but Seiji used his grip on Shin’s shoulders to drag him close again, so close he almost had Shin in his arms without fully realizing it. Seiji tightened his grip until he saw Shin wince.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Seiji loosened his hold on Shin, who took the chance to escape. He dodged back out of the room.

“You really are cruel.” Shin’s voice was calm and level, but that made it sound dead to Seiji’s ears. Shin turned and bolted. Seiji gave chase as he heard him darting up the stairs three steps at a time.

“Wait!” Seiji caught up as Shin paused just inside his room. “I didn’t want to make you mad, I just wanted-”

“I’m not mad at you,” Shin interrupted, “let’s leave it at that.” For a moment Seiji caught a glance of Shin’s face. Then he closed the door, effectively ending the conversation.

Seiji stood silently for another moment, staring at the door that separated them. Something really was happening between him and Shin, the look he had seen on Shin’s face made him had sure of that. He was determined to pursue Shin until he had the answers he needed.


	2. Chapter 2

The weather had suddenly turned for the worst in the past few days. Instead of the ideal landscape dusted with snow, the skies had opened with a bitter mixture of ice and rain. Even Seiji would normally be unwilling to venture out in such terrible weather.

One the other hand, Seiji felt that the miserable weather complimented his mood perfectly. Shin had been avoiding him ever since they had argued a few day before, and Seiji had been reluctant to force him into a conversation. As much as he wanted to talk to Shin, he had no intention of hurting him in order to do it.

The rain was almost a comfort. It gave him the idea that something else was as depressed as he was. Seiji stood out in the midst of it, shivering slightly. He stubbornly refused to go back inside where he would have to watch Shin trying not to look at him. Instead he let icy rain soak his hair and clothes until they clung to him. Seiji didn’t really care. He could endure worse than this storm, and besides, his misery went deeper than the chill could ever reach.

Behind him the front door had opened, and Ryo was watching him, puzzled. “Are you going to stay out there all day?” Bakuyaun appeared beside him and made an angry noise, most likely directed at the unsatisfactory weather. Ryo looked back into the house and then added, “Shin’s getting really worried.”

“Idiot!” Seiji turned to see Shin about to come out after him. “Get back in here before you make yourself sick.”

Seiji was at least willing to go inside before Shin had to come out in the rain.. The moment he was close enough for Shin to grab him, he found himself being dragged into the kitchen with Ryo following them at a safe distance.

“Go get some towels and some dry clothes,” Shin ordered, and Ryo left quickly, abandoning Seiji to his fate. Still fuming with anger, Shin turned on Seiji and began to yank up the hem of his shirt.

“Hey! Stop that!” Seiji dodged away from Shin’s hands, hanging on to the front of the shirt to prevent further attempts to strip him.

“You can’t keep wearing these, they’re soaked! I’m trying to help you.”

“That’s not helping.” It was true, Seiji’s clothes were beginning to give him a chill, but he did not want to be naked in front of Shin.

“You haven’t done a very good job of looking after yourself so far,” Shin reminded him. Seiji could feel his face burning from embarrassment, but he closed his eyes and submitted to Shin’s treatment. He could hear when Ryo caught up with them, and felt himself go even redder. This was the last thing he wanted. He was only glad Shin had let him keep his underwear.

Shin began to towel him off gently, his hands moving in soothing circles over Seiji’s chest and back. He sighed, frustrated, and Seiji knew his fury was quickly ebbing. He relaxed the barest fraction. It did feel nice to be a little drier, and the kitchen was always the warmest room in the house.

“I’m not looking, Seiji,” Shin assured him. Seiji opened his eyes in surprise, and found that Shin was, indeed, watching his face. He was obviously being very carful not to let his eyes stray and embarrass Seiji further. Still his hands found every spot on Seiji’s chest and back that needed attention.

After what seemed like forever, Shin finished and turned around. “Your clothes are on the table.”

Seiji pulled on his pants gratefully. That could have been a lot worse than it had been. Shin really had done his best to preserve his dignity. Not that it hadn’t taken a bad hit anyway. So Shin thought he couldn’t take care of himself?

Seiji realized quickly that his wet hair was still going to be a problem. Cold water was dripping down the neck of his sweater from it. Shin was doing something in the corner of the kitchen, removing one of the towels Ryo had brought from the microwave.

“What made you think that was a good idea?” Shin was calm now. In fact he looked depressed again. He draped the towel around Seiji’s head. It was warm from the microwave.

Shin began to dry Seiji’s hair, catching the water dripping into his face and down his neck. Seiji finally relaxed. Shin’s touch was firm without hurting. Maybe he wasn’t really mad at Seiji at all. Maybe he had just been very worried.

“You always look so sad when I’m around, so I didn’t want to see you,” Seiji explained simply. Slowly Shin stopped drying his hair. His hands were still for a minute before he let go of Seiji completely.

“You really think it’s you?” Shin asked softly. Something in his voice made Seiji suspect that their fight was not over. His heart sunk. “It doesn’t even cross your mind that it might be something else?” Seiji turned and found Shin had turned his face away, pressing his hand against his eyelids the way he sometimes did when he was trying not to cry.

“Then tell me what it is and I’ll help you.” Seiji knew he was the one upsetting Shin somehow, and he wanted it to stop.

“Maybe I’m just upset that one of my friends is too stupid to know to come in out of the rain!”

“I think it’s more than that, Shin.” Seiji moved closer, unintentionally cornering Shin. “I know how to take care of myself, it’s you I’m worried about.”

“Leave me alone!” Shin screamed. He had succeeded in holding back the tears, but his face gave his agony away just the same.

Seiji stepped back, shocked, letting Shin escape him a second time. What was he doing wrong? He wanted to be close to Shin, to help him, but he just ended up scaring him away. He stood, dejected, in the kitchen for a few more minutes. At least he was dry now. At least Shin still cared about him, whatever he was doing wrong. At least he might get another chance . . .

“Um, Seiji?” Ryo peeked around the kitchen door, which Shin had left open. Seiji’s first thought was that company was the last thing he needed, then he realized that he could probably get some information out of Ryo since he was Shin’s roommate.

“Are you two still fighting?” Ryo asked. It was obvious that he already knew the answer, but didn’t know what else to say.

“What’s wrong with him?” Seiji asked. Ryo should know. He had to know.

“It’s really none of my business,” Ryo admitted. Seiji understood exactly what was going through his friend’s head. He wanted to help, but he couldn’t betray Shin’s confidence, either. “You should ask him yourself”

“That’s what made him so upset in the first place.” Seiji growled, he crossed his arms in frustration. “Why has he been acting like this?”

“It’s kinda obvious, isn’t it?” Ryo scratched his head, half-wanting to avoid the subject. “I mean, he’d be even more upset if he knew I told you.”

“I won’t tell him,” Seiji insisted, “I just want to fix things.”

Bakuyaun padded into the kitchen and rubbed his head against Ryo’s knee. Ryo knelt to stroke the tiger’s ears before answering.

“He’s been crushing on you really bad,” Ryo watched Seiji carefully to see how he took the news, “and I think you scared him the other day, ‘cause he freaks out every time you look at him now.”

“He . . .” No, Shin was mad at him, furious, hated him. “Are you sure? How could he?”

“You had better let him down easy,” Ryo warned, standing up quickly, “he’s terrified that you’re going to hate him for it.” Seiji suddenly knew how hard this had to be for Ryo. He thought he would have to choose between supporting one friend and defending another.

“No, I’m glad.” Seiji wanted to laugh with relief, “I’m so glad.” He was going to go to Shin right now. He couldn’t wait another moment.

“Wait a minute!” Ryo grabbed on to Seiji’s arm as he tried to leave. “Let him calm down first.”

“No. I have to see him. I can’t wait.” Seiji tried to pull away, but Ryo remained firm.

“I think you blew your chance already.” Ryo gave Seiji’s arm a good yank to get his attention. “Look, I share a room with him, and you’re the reason he’s probably up there crying buckets right now. Who knows more about handling this?”

Seiji had to listen to reason, even though waiting was the last thing he wanted to do. If he could fix this, than he was willing to listen to almost anyone.

“Just try to be gentle with him, you know? I’ll make sure no one gets in your way.”

Be gentle with him. That was what he had been trying to do from the start. Seiji was beginning to think it might be hopeless.


	3. Chapter 3

“I want to speak with you,” Seiji caught the expression in Shin’s eyes and quickly added, “please,” to assure him that this was a harmless request.

“About what?” Shin was trying to keep his tone casual. Neither of them wanted things to go wrong again, but as their eyes met both of them realized there was no way they would be able to lighten the situation. At least, Seiji vowed, neither of them needed to be hurt anymore.

“I’m just going to apologize.”

“I accept then,” Shin replied quickly. At least he had made no move to leave yet. Seiji took courage from that fact.

Seiji continued, “that’s not all.” He reached for Shin’s hand and caught it in his own. His grip was gentle, but he was willing to use it to keep Shin from leaving him again. “I still want to know, Shin. How do you feel about me?”

Shin was uneasy, but Seiji realized that now that he knew what Shin was feeling he knew how to help him. He had to be first to give in this time, not force Shin to confess. “I’m only hoping you feel the same way I do.” He lifted Shin’s hand, turned it over, and lay a kiss in the center of his palm. Shin gasped sharply. His body froze as Seiji touched his lips to each sensitive fingertip. Seiji looked up, worried. He was half sure he had seen that done in a movie once, but this wasn’t the effect he had intended at all.

“Stop,” Shin begged, trying to tug his hand out of Seiji’s grip.

“Do you hate me, then?” This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. Shin should be in his arms already. Happy ending. What was going wrong now? “If you’re going to hate me for this anyway. . .” Seiji pushed up Shin’s sleeve and kissed his wrist as well. He could feel a rapid pulse under the skin. His own heart beat with exactly the same terrified pace. “Even if you hate me, I can’t change myself now.”

Shin jerked his hand back, and pressed it against his mouth. “Are you alright Shin?”

“No, I’m happy,” Shin gasped, “I’m happy.” For the first time, Seiji had hit upon exactly the right nerve.

“You wanted to know how I feel?” Shin asked after a moment. His voice was still a little strained. He didn’t wait for an answer, but pressed on, “because I really think I’m in love with you.” He shivered, as if frightened by his own confession. “When you aren’t near me, then all I want is to see you, but when we’re together . . .”

Seiji reached out for him, but Shin pulled away. “I’m afraid of you sometimes, Seiji. I can’t help it. No matter how much I want to have you with me.”

“Why?” It took all of Seiji’s self control not to grab Shin and crush the slender boy against his chest protectively. By now he knew better. Instead he forced himself to be gentle, cupping Shin’s face in his hands. “Why do you keep running away from me?”

“You’re the only one who can really hurt me,” Shin whispered, “even if you don’t mean to, you could break me in two with a word. I don’t want to feel so weak, not in front of you.” Shin was struggling to keep control over his emotions, tears gathering in his eyes made the unnaturally bright.

“I won’t hurt you.” Seiji kept his movements gentle, slipping his arms slowly around Shin.

“Seiji,” Shin gasped, his voice breaking from trying not to cry. He stepped forward, into Seiji’s arms, finally trusting him.

“If I am the one making you weak than I will atone.” Seiji hugged Shin a little tighter, waiting until Shin looked up to his face before he continued, “I will protect you. Shin, can’t you understand? I want to be close to you, closer then anyone has ever been.” A single tear escaped to trace its solitary path down Shin’s cheek. He smiled shakily.

Slowly, so he wouldn’t startle him, Seiji pressed his mouth gently to Shin’s. It was a rush of feelings as Seiji tried to take everything in so that he could remember it forever. Shin’s lips were so soft, so warm. His hands rested uncertainly of Seiji’s shoulders. Seiji could taste tears on Shin’s lips and feel the slight shiver that went through him. Whether it was fear, excitement, or something else he could not be sure. This was their first proper kiss, and he wanted to hang on to it for as long as possible.

Even though they finally had to stop and breathe, neither of them wanted to move too far apart. Shin pressed his cheek against Seiji’s, wanting to stay close. For a few moments all Seiji could hear was them both breathing. The world condensed into a few moments, the one in his arms, the feelings left after his first kiss.

“Seiji,” Shin gasped against his ear, “Seiji, Seiji, Seiji.” In response, Seiji tightened his hold, stroking Shin’s back comfortingly. He never wanted this to end. If only they could stay like this, he thought he would be happy forever.

“Shh.” Seiji turned his head to kiss Shin lightly. “That’s right. I’m right here.”

“What happens now?” Trust shone from Shin’s face. “Can’t we stay, just like this?”

“What do you think? I’m never going to give you up now. I won’t let you go.” Seiji clutched Shin against himself possessively. Every feeling that had seemed impossible to explain was now pouring out. “No one else can touch you. No one can kiss you. Please say you’re mine Shin.”

“Because I love you,” Shin promised. Seiji kissed him as a reward.

“Again,” Seiji commanded, “say my name again.”

“Seiji,” Shin repeated dutifully.

“Again.”

“Seiji.”

“Always say my name like that. Always.” Seiji cupped Shin’s face in his hands. Shin looked up into his face hopefully. “You’ve made me happy.”

“You’ve made me happy,” Shin echoed.

Everything fit. Shin’s body fit perfectly in his arms. Shin’s voice was the sweetest sound to reach his ears. This was what Seiji had been working for. He wouldn’t give up this prize.

Shin’s heart pounded to the same tempo as his. They were meant to fit together, just the two of them.

Seiji was sure of it.


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly, Shin was starting to open up to Seiji. The new year moved closer, and they were entirely caught up in each other. With the promise of Shin’s quiet company firmly fixed in Seiji’s mind, he found the constant noise and activity of the Koji household more bearable.

At the moment he was spending the afternoon with Shin. At least, that had been the plan. At first they had struggled to find something to talk about, then given up and let the conversation lag into silence, now Shin seemed to have dozed off leaning against Seiji’s bed. Seiji leaned over from where he was sitting on the bed and pushed Shin’s hair out of his face. He looked too peaceful to disturb.

Sleepily, Shin reached up and fluffed up Seiji’s hair with his fingers. Seiji caught the hand and drew it away with a trace of a smile. A week ago Shin probably wouldn’t have dared make such a playful gesture.

“So you were awake.” He reached down to stroke Shin’s cheek. He could feel Shin smile under his hand. Shin’s fingers caught in his hair a second time and again he pulled the hand away, kissing Shin’s fingers.

“I can’t touch you’re hair?” Shin didn’t sound hurt, but he pulled away a little. They hadn’t worked out the boundaries for their relationship yet, and Shin sometimes was afraid that he’d done the wrong thing.

“I don’t mind,” Seiji assured Shin. He slid from the bed to sit beside Shin on the floor, and kissed each of the captive fingers in turn. “There are just other things I’d rather have your hands for.” Shin leaned against Seiji’s shoulder, reassured, and twined their fingers together. With his other hand, Shin reached up and ran his fingers through Seiji’s hair.

“It’s so soft,” he whispered, twisting the strands between his fingers. Seiji had to smile at that. He guessed the others all thought he used gel or hair spray to keep his hair in place. Shin shyly touched the hair hanging over his eye.

“Yes, I can see through it.” Seiji was amused by Shin’s new fascination with his hair. Normally he might have been annoyed, but he found it hard to get angry at Shin.

“Why is it . . . ?” Shin stopped. Seiji didn’t mind. He didn’t always like talking about his childhood, but this was a private moment.

“When I was younger my eyes used to unnerve my classmates,” Seiji explained. “I guess they felt that my gaze was too cold.” Shin traced his fingers along Seiji’s jaw in a sympathetic gesture. “So they wouldn’t have to be afraid of me I ended up doing this.” Seiji gestured to the characteristic fall of hair over his eye. He felt strangely sad after admitting such a detail. It was almost as if he had told Shin that he should be afraid of him. After trying so hard to dispel Shin’s fears, that was the last thing he needed.

“May I?” Shin asked.

“My hair is up almost every time I’m in armor. Haven’t you seen it before?”

“Usually when you’re in armor I don’t have time to just gaze into your eyes,” Shin reminded him.

Seiji sighed and gave in. He could not be sure what had upset people about his gaze. Even looking in the mirror, he would never really know what it was like to gaze into his own eyes. He didn’t want Shin to find a new reason to be nervous around him, but he didn’t think Shin would be scared away by such an insubstantial thing.

Shin reached up and gently smoothed Seiji’s hair out of the way. He caught his breath in a little gasp. Seiji tried to pull away, suddenly unsure, but Shin touched his cheek reassuringly.

“Am I cold?” Seiji found himself asking. Shin shook his head, still staring into Seiji’s eyes.

“No,” Shin whispered after a minute, finally letting the hair fall back into its original position. “I think you might be able to see right through me if you wanted to.”

“Does that scare you?” Seiji massaged Shin’s hand between both of his.

“No. There’s something about you, the way you move and speak, that makes me feel what an intense person you are underneath. That’s just who you are.” Shin halted, looking ashamed of himself. “That’s part of what I love about you.”

“Then why? This is what I keep asking myself over and over. Why did you say you were afraid of me?” Seiji caught Shin by the shoulders and held him still. He needed to hear the answer. He would not have Shin avoiding him again. It was too painful for both of them.

“You could have hated me for the way I felt.” Shin was as vulnerable as Seiji had ever seen him right now. He pressed himself against Seiji’s side as if to hide from some intangible monster. Seiji wrapped his arms around Shin comfortingly. Shin shuddered, wordlessly begging Seiji for reassurance.

“This is exactly how I want you to feel,” Seiji consoled Shin. “I could never hate you for this.”

“But how could I have known that?” Shin asked. “We’re both men. You could have been completely disgusted with me.”

That stopped Seiji cold. He had never quite connected being in love with Shin to automatically making him gay. He had just pursued Shin, caught him, and loved him. He hadn’t dwelled on the social implications.

Seiji noticed tears gathering in Shin’s eyes and quickly amended, “It’s okay Shin. I’m not going to leave you over a little thing like that. I’m sure I’d manage to love you even if you were a woman, so don’t upset yourself.”

“You’d make a better woman than I would,” Shin answered, laughing a little.

“Hey . . .”

“I’m sorry. I have to laugh or I’ll cry.” Shin pressed his face into Seiji’s chest, his voice strained, “I have to.”

Seiji hugged Shin tightly. Each time Shin cried against him he was more sure that he would not let the same subject bother Shin again.

“Do you trust me Shin?”

“Yes. With all my heart.”

“Then believe me. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Always,” Shin whispered, “you always see right through me.” He was wrong. Seiji wished he could see right through Shin. Then he would know how to help him.

“Shin. . .”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Seiji scolded. He found Shin’s hand again. He raised it to his mouth and nipped at the webbing between Shin’s thumb and first finger. Shin smiled, trying to lighten up.

“Why is it always my hands?” Shin didn’t seem to really expect an answer. He just wanted to break the silence. Seiji didn’t feel like to replying. Instead he drew Shin’s smallest finger into his mouth and sucked on it. His teased the second joint with his teeth, making Shin gasp, than stroked the same spot with his tongue to soothe it.

“Seiji?” Shin whispered, apparently mystified by Seiji’s behavior. Seiji moved on to the next finger to buy himself time to think of a reply.

“I like them,” he stated simply around the digit in his mouth. Shin shifted nervously, but let Seiji continue to lavish attention on his hand.

Next came the middle finger. Seiji only nibbled around the base and flicked his tongue out at each of the joints before moving on. The last finger captured his attention immediately. There was a slender scar just beneath the first joint. Seiji kissed it. Shin was blushing brightly by this time. What was this from? Did Shin even realize, was he aware of the nearly invisible scar?

Seiji closed his eyes and let his mouth close over that portion of Shin’s finger. He could feel the delicate imperfection with his tongue.

Slowly releasing Shin’s finger, Seiji held Shin’s hand close to his face, searching for other marks. Between two of Shin’s knuckles was a slim vertical scar. Seiji attacked it with his lips and tongue. Shin squeaked in surprise. Seiji sighed blissfully. The sweet little flaws were what made Shin’s hands so perfect to him. These were his. He would not relinquish these hands.

“Seiji?” Shin whispered. He reached up with his other hand, hesitant, then touched Seiji’s cheek gently. He stroked Seiji’s hair and face tenderly. Seiji smiled, moving forward until they could kiss. The soft, slow, sleepy movement of lips against lips shared more then they could tell each other. Comfort and love exchanged between the two of them in just that one simple touch.

“I love you,” Shin murmured against Seiji’s ear, as if it still needed to be said, after all they had already given each others in that one kiss. He curled up safe in Seiji’s arms for another moment before finally rising to leave. Seiji stood and turned to face away from Shin. He never liked watching Shin leave.

Why did Shin always have to insist that he loved Seiji? Did it really need to be said? This must be the problem. Shin needed to be told how Seiji felt. He needed that reassurance. He needed desperately to know Seiji loved him, Seiji had seen it in his eyes.

The problem was that Seiji didn’t feel right just randomly insisting that he loved Shin. It felt insincere. He had to make it a special moment for Shin. Seiji stretched out on his bed, planning. Maybe at New Years he could find some romantic way to say it. This really wasn’t his strongest skill, but Shin was worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

The last day of the year dawned bright and cold. The ground was a twisted expanse of frozen mud. All morning, however, clouds slowly began to choke the sky. The afternoon saw light spurts of rain. By the time night fell the temperature had lowered and snow was beginning to dust the landscape, brightening everyone’s spirits.

Nightfall was the start of the long countdown to midnight. There was a brief argument over whether sake should be included in the festivities. It didn’t matter in the end, because if there was any in the house, as Shu maintained there was, Natsuya had hidden it well before she had left to spend the holiday with her parents.

After that, there was a seemingly endless supply of card games, ad-libs and anything else to pass the time. As the hours crawled on toward midnight Shin began to lean against Seiji. He tried to ignore Shin, embarrassed in front of the others, but after a few minutes had passed he realized that Shin had fallen asleep.

“Shin?” Shu was the next one to notice. He reached over and poked Shin. “He’s really out of it.”

Seiji wrapped one arm around Shin’s sleeping form protectively, ignoring Shu’s observation in favor of the game, “I call.”

Touma made a frustrated noise and tossed his hands into the air. He had already folded. “Nothing.”

“Two of a kind,” Ryo and Shu chimed in unison, then stared at each other.

“Jacks!”

“Damn! Eights . . .”

Seiji allowed himself a half smile, he always did well at this game, having the perfect poker face. “Full house.”

“No way! That’s the second time tonight,” Touma fumed. He had been having bad luck all night.

“What’s the point if we’re not playing with real money?” asked Ryo, passing Seiji his chips.

“Because none of us have enough money to make it really interesting.”

Shin shifted against Seiji’s shoulder, the cards they had forgotten to take from him sliding from his grip to the floor. Ryo turned them over, curious.

“I hate to tell ya Seiji, but Shin just kicked your butt with this hand.”

Seiji, Shu, and Touma all nearly collided heads as they tried to look at the cards. Lined up in a row on the floor were all four queens and a three.

“Who falls asleep holding four of a kind?” Touma demanded of Seiji, as if he could account for his boyfriend’s behavior.

“Guess Seiji’s been keeping him up late,” Shu commented. They all stared at him. Seiji assumed this was just on of his weird jokes that none of the others understood. Except Touma and Ryo both blushed immediately.

“Dude . . .” was Ryo’s input.

Poker was abandoned after that. Seiji had to stay where he was because of the weight of Shin against his shoulder. The others wandered, prowling the kitchen looking for anything to eat and discussing leisurely how to fill the last hour before midnight.

He had never quite planned how he was going to tell Shin. Seiji would have liked to have an idea ready by night, but he didn’t know how to make the moment work. The fact that it had to be good enough for Shin made this task even more daunting.

Seiji felt so peaceful curled up beside Shin like this. He had long been used to getting up and going to bed early and now it was catching up to him. Leaning his head against Shin, still trying to form a plan, Seiji slowly slipped into a doze.

After what only seemed like a few seconds, Shin was shaking him awake. He had slid from Shin’s shoulder to his lap at some point during his nap. “Seiji, it’s almost time! You can’t sleep through it!”

Seiji buried his face in the seemingly safe haven of Shin’s lap, “five more minutes.”

“Seiji!” Shin stood quickly, accidently dumping Seiji onto the floor. “Come on.” He hauled Seiji off of the floor and had to half-carry him to the door.

They stepped out into the chill air. The snow was still falling lightly and it made everything seem close and peaceful. Shin wrapped his arms happily around Seiji, leaning into the hug trustingly. Across the dark expanse they could hear the first toll of a bell.

“We made it,” Shin exclaimed.

“I can’t believe we can hear it all the way out here.” It was a few miles from where they stood to the nearest civilization, and the temple bell was much fainter for them then for the people celebrating in town. Still, it was amazing to Seiji that they could hear it at all.

“Seiji.” Shin moved to kiss Seiji as the second toll reached them. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Come here,” Seiji caught Shin tightly in his arms and kissed him again right as the third toll rang through the night. After that he timed his kisses, one for each toll of the bell, one pause for each echoing silence. All went perfectly until Shin began to pull away near the end. Seiji was annoyed to see he was amused.

“Come back here,” he caught Shin and pulled him back. “That wasn’t the end.”

“Seiji, you’re being silly,” Shin scolded. Seiji held his face still so that he could steal another kiss. The sound of the bell had died out, but it’s echos still rang in his mind.

“It’s silly if I want to do something for you? I want to show you how much I love you.” Seiji stroked Shin’s back. He had said it, just like that. All his planning had amounted to nothing, but there was nothing he would trade for the happiness on Shin’s face.

Shin smiled up into Seiji’s face. He kissed him once, then pulled away again. “I’ve lost count,” he admitted.

“Three more, not counting that one.” Now that the bell had left them behind Seiji took his time in kissing Shin. His hands slid up and down Shin’s back soothingly as he moved his mouth slowly against Shin’s.

Gasping they pulled apart, then came together again. As Shin’s mouth opened under his, Seiji couldn’t help himself. He knew he should hold back when hugging Shin, but now he used all of his strength to pull Shin as close as he could. Shin inhaled sharply, and Seiji broke off the kiss suddenly.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. Please,” Shin kissed him one last time in one sweet brief movement, “never stop holding me like this.”

“Now it’s the new year. From now on, don’t doubt me anymore.” Shin nodded, slightly breathless from Seiji’s embrace. “I love you. I’ll love you forever, more then anything.” Seiji promised, and suddenly nothing more needed to be said. Shin smiled for him. Those were the words he had wanted to hear. 

For several minutes they held each other, ignoring the cold. The dark snowy hush around them faded from Seiji’s mind in favor of Shin. This was all he really needed. Shin warm and safe and happy in his arms meant more to him then any of the other things he needed to live.

They found their way back inside as if in a dream. Shin stumbled a little sleepily, and the others gave them strange looks when Seiji said they were going to bed. Something must have happened while they were gone, Seiji mused. Ryo looked ill, and Shu was nowhere to be seen. He could figure it out tomorrow if it was really important.

“Seiji,” Shin sighed, leaning against him outside his room. As Seiji moved to help him to bed Shin caught his mouth again while he wasn’t expecting it at all. Seiji pulled away, bewildered.

“One more, for good luck.” Shin told him. He was gone before Seiji could retaliate. Seiji smiled.

“I love you,” he told Shin through the closed door. Somehow he was sure Shin would hear. This year was a new beginning for them. Just the two of them.


End file.
